An the insanity continues, but within the whirlwind of fury there is a lack of understanding an love. I have been gone for a while trying to forgive the past, look forward to the future, and be in the present. Only to find myself precariously doing none of that at all. I hated that I could not forgive for something I too had done, I was baffled that I could not see through the fog an see what lie ahead, and I was ashamed that I couldnt grasp for the now and hold on.

In the midst of trying to think of what I did and how wrong I was I did see that at least I wasnt alone. At least I can say most people make these mistakes. We all make mistakes some big some not so much, so am I to believe I am such a horrible person. The answer is yes, cause I love her and that is not how you treat someone you love and for that I will forever regret.

See I made a big mistake, I couldnt let someone in and release my past, all because I was unwilling to let go of my fears, anger, and stupidity. I was waiting for something bad to happen, for the nightmare to come alive and engulf my world and put me back to the place I had escaped. So I had an out, a pass, an escape, but with this comes a total failure of giving into love and hope. I do see the errors I have made and hope that one day I can tell the one I hurt I am sorry. I know I have screwed up bad, but the intentions were never to do so, my love for her may be soiled but it is true and forever.

Ending this I can only add that I hate being human we are prone to mistakes, forgiving them is harder than thought and forgetting them is rarely done. But please, if you do read this just know everything that I did to hurt you was not out of spite or hatred only stupidity and fear, an for that I am sorry. Most of all I regret not letting you in an accepting your love as I should, I am ashamed, hurt, and stupid but then again I am human an on top of that a man, would you expect anything more.

But I am just that an not much more, a hurt lost boy that sees an angel and loves her for all that she is