I have looked for a way to patiently sit back and put together the broken pieces an then try and convince myself that what is now mended is as good as it was when new. But the sad thing is what is broken will always be broken, there will always be a crack, scar, or scratch where once there wasnt. I guess Id rather not even try, but to continue to see it broken and remember it as it was when it was at its best, than to mend it and pretend it never happened.

Dear God drunk texting at its finest, alcohol, feelings, and cell phones should have some sort of surgeon generals warning label on them.

"Warning the surgeon general has noted that mixing of cell phones, alcohol, and feelings should not be done in any way, shape, or form they may cause temporary insanity, lack of self control, heart pain, and not to mention making a total ASS of yourself!"

I think that while a nice delightful beverage filled with spirits and exotic tastes promise good times but on the other edge of that same sword promise only pain. Pain to which I see very little escape and only a few dim views of a solution.

To those that tell you to find love and hold on I say step back look at them ever so deeply in the eyes anbd kindly say "FUCK OFF!" I say find someone you can tolerate thats good in bed if it ends so what you move on!

I have spent a few days enjoying the silence that screams out without a sound. Funny how the things from your past come back when your scouring your soul searching for answers to unasked questions. Like stupid things that you think you left in the past like good boy band sappy fluff filled songs. I believe these songs got a bad rap such as just being for young girlies with braces and pigtails who havent experienced anything close to love. But you know if you listen to the songs the words still can hit a certain true cord in your heart. Making you smile, making you laugh, or making you cry.

How many of us have listened to the words here and felt the same http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nY4ltWjt3Q, or how many of us have been so deep in love that a song such as this didnt just say it all http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iecEDzDoXc. If your a fan of the backstreet boys you cant but hear and not feel these words http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaZWQHzfGXs. What of Insync, well no truer words could be said when you kiss an angel, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL2jkJAVRB8. Well I will say for the none believers and the doubters there will come a time when these songs will mean more to you..................... this I promise you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3pzIzlcCMs

Yeah i was a fan an probably always will be to these sappy teenie bopper foodle, but ya know I can smile through tear streaked eyes and say Im good with that.

I think we tend to worry about tomarrow and what it may bring, or of regrets of the past, when then do we take the time to live for today? I think that people seldom say "I love you" at the right time or they say it too late and love leaves, so when I say it, it doesnt mean I know you'll never go, only that I wish you didnt have too!

Have you ever had a waking dream where you know your awake but everything your doing feels like a dream? Its not often we force our tired bodies past the point of sleep for the simple fact tht you dont want to fall asleep. Now why would anyone want to stay awake, well to hear the sweet sound of a word, to smell beauty on the wind, or to look into the eyes of an angel, just to name a few.

Its always nice to visit ones own heart from time to time an know that it still beats!

Whenever you feel down just listen to a few songs that may help even if its just a bit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JZkGUNGZ9s

Your never gunna be alone.........................ever not being the fricken amazing person you are http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbSD6OCl-oc

Sometimes our own feelings and problems seem trivial, especially when you see what some have to go through. Having to try and be the best friend and parent that you can only to have it thrown in your face. Then expected to just stand up scraped and bruised to gather the pieces of what you have and start a new. Well just know you are not alone, you are worth more, and you have true friends here for you ALWAYS!!!!

You know who you are and when life seems hard, step back, smile and know you are loved by many. The ones that dont, miss out on someone amazing and its their loss. When all fails just listen to this song and take the advice LOL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UcRJzeV4BI

So that tap you feel on your shoulder ................... its just the world dont look cause you know you did your best! Hope that brought a smile to your face.

Why is it so hard to believe in fate, why is it we deny it and pass it all off as coincidence? Why is it we cant allow ourselves to love without limits or conditions? Why when our soul screams "I am here for you." does noone listen? Is it so hard to hear the concern and pain, feel the love and believe that for once its ok to be loved? Accepting love does not mean you feel the same way but it is OK to allow yourself to be loved. When your in need of something as simple as a hug, someone to let you know that everything will be all right, or just to hold you close and listen, I promise, its OK.

Sweet melodies fill my ears without making a sound, haunting my dreams and making me wish Id never awaken. Keep me safe within a world of my own making where all is the way it should be, at least in my mind as I see it. Escape to a place where pain is fleeting, dreams come true, and love conquers all.

Why is it we can have all the attention we crave and its not enough if its not coming from where we want it too. Why am I so selfish an can not give back to that which is so freely given to me. I hate that I cant love, but maybe its because I am already in such a state.

Ok all better now, resisted the strange sensations that want to crawl forth an take hold.

But the whirlwind that swirls within is just a complex mix of primal thoughts, love, and sadness. Kinda weird really makes you dream in a sleepless state, makes you hurt without pain, and makes you smile without feeling.

Each day I feel that this strange new embodiment within me is taking a stronger hold over me and claiming dominance. I have a taste for the raw, a wanting to be released of the bonds of conforming, a need to act on my urges.

Here in the darkenss I can see, it is here that I listen to nothing but hear everything, here that I can let its sweet smell entice my senses to release that which prowls my soul. Within its meaningless mysteries I dance with death and cling to life, both fearing and craving the unknown. I pace back and forth reveling in the urges that eminate from within my very soul.......................................................tasteing only the primal

I think I want to change the title too "Understanding the FLUFF within." Bwhahahahaha!!!!!!!! Cause really thats all that we have within ourselves, just a big ball of meaningless FLUFF right? An all we can do is try and make sense of it all, of all the nonsense.

FLUFF, such a funny word has a few meanings really,

A delicious marshmellowy snack, basically a slimy sugary substance that is great for sexual fun

A light an soft mass, downy particles, such as that of cotton hummm, can probably be best seen in a few porn scenes where young maidens scantily clad, beat each other with pillows filled with such a delightfully billowy mass exploding out an landing precariously all over their bodies.

An error or blunder, now this I have made a few times, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, doing the wrong thing, behaving in the wrong way, believeing in the wrong thing, and the list goes on but who hasnt.

An last but not least.....................

Something of no consequence, which honestly wouldnt make alot of sense. If it did then that would be saying that someones thoughts, their feelings, and their very dreams are well meaningless. Im not so sure that what I feel, think, or dream is meaningless so there for I think I will keep it as it is, an that is a deeper understanding of an insane situation hahaha.

Ahhhhhh the weekend is over, sometimes the most tiresome part of having fun is acually "HAVING FUN" LOL!! But we sit with a drink in one hand, our foot tapping to a delightful beat and smile. Letting all our cares just slip into oblivion and let the music surround, envelope, and guide us on a tour of our own bodies.

Music is one of those things, it either is a part of you, where you can feel its very meaning and it touches you in places you never knew exsisted. An no I dont mean that in an uncle buck touched me in a naughty place type of way, for those of you out there with discusting thoughts lol. Or its something that you only appreciate it and like certain genre types of music. If in which case I just feel sorry for you, you'll never be able to be one with the sound, let it move your body in ways no school can teach, and bring forth feelings noone outside of this can feel.

So let the week begin, theres work to do, people to piss off, fluff to write, time to enjoy, and workouts to endure. Sooner than you think we will be right back to a fri night, but for some of us tues nights have become a way to get through till fri gets here LOL.

Insanity stands in check with but a simple thought...................................what if. What if, such an interesting concept. What if I had said this, what if I said that, what if we didnt play childish games, an what if we did? Haha well shoulda, coulda, wouldas n you know what, come what may, it makes no difference.

Now come children, come sit around the campfire for a tale, a tale of a fateful trip LOL, NOT! No a just a fluff filled thought or two hahaha. I think while men and women are fated to be together God in his wisdom made us unequal when he split us. Men while strong physically could never muster the strength to handle that which a women does to bring forth new life. Nor are we strong in our handling of our emotions an feelings. So we screw up and think we are doing the right thing but we usually end up doing the wrong. Such is the life we as men have to endure ohhhhh well as long as we surrender to our ignorance I guess we can find bliss. We forgive those we love and go on our merry little way without a care as to the past. Women on the other hand let the past sit and fester neither forgiving nor forgetting, but simply simmering. Problem is sooner or later the heat will get turned to high, boil, and burst forth. So I guess our first step to trying to not only understand but get on equal ground beside the women we crave so badly, is to acually listen. Listen to what they mean not what they say, because therein is where we make most of our mistakes. We hear the words but not the meaning, which yes these are two different statements. I guess we must learn how to read the subtitles and not just watch the pictures, dam venetian movies anyway!

So lets all unite under one fluff filled banner and proclaim our creed.....................we will try an listen to the meaning behind the words! hahahahaha

I sometimes wonder if there are people out there that have felt the same as me and wondered if some of these guys singing have ever acually felt love, hurt, lose, or pain. Or do they just sing what they are given then I can across a song that answered it for me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZXHYItXWqE couldnt have said it better myself

So the insanity continues, an I fight to find a meaning to the madness that swirls in a maelstrom within the empty space where my heart use to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyQDkMwjE1U pretty much sums it up all in 4 mins, amazing song, with an amazing feeling behind it, that I shared with an amazing woman!!!!!!!!

Have tried to deny the fact that im still in love, but in doing so have denied the truth. My heart is not mine to give an even if it were, I dont know that I would want to give it to anyone else. I try to pull away and pretend Im ok, when really Im not. Its not from lack of options or of trying, its from lack of my heart an the other half of that which made me whole. I sit and listen to songs that keep the memories fresh in my mind, some would say Im torturing myself or that I cant let go. I could let go if I "WANTED" too and if torturing myself is trying to relive times that were some of the best in my life then so be it! Yeah it would be easier to just walk away, build some walls, live in lust, and try and forget, yes it would be easier! But well I just dont think I want it so easy anymore! I love being in love and you know what ..................................come what may!

Hearts are pretty funny things think about it, they beat without us asking them too, they keep us going long after we are ready to throw in the towel, and they lack a sense of self preservation. Yet we give them freely without a second thought as too the implications of whether we can ever get it back. Because without it we die, so now I sit and wonder how on earth my ass is still breathing. LOL

You know theres a certain bliss to staying up alnight, goin to a park, and sitting out under the bright full moon. Letting its mysteries enfold around you and take you on a journey through memories you fondly remember. Parks are a wonderful place to lose yourself an let out the animal within your very core. Let the night shadow you allowing your instints to take over, hear every sound, see within the dark, tear off your clothes and just well .......................BE! Be whatever you want, whoever you want, stripped of any cares, thoughts, or doubts!

Ahhh sitting and thinking on things that just make me smile, fill me with laughter, and good times . You know as much as it hurts to say goodbye to people, places, and feelings sometimes its what is needed. In the grand scheme of things its only a fleeting moment in an endless sea of emotions. Why let such things dwell within your mind when there are so many more things to experience in life. Music that sings to the heart and rises you above such trival, mundane, crap. Visions that take your breath away and remind you that God is still there! Feelings that send shivers that not only run the length of your body, but touch deep within your very soul. These things and many more have made me smile, think, and remember and embrace that which I had forgotten. Better to have loved and lost than to never had loved at all!

I have come to a few thoughts that have left me at peace, one the true definition of "LOVE", which is not passion, sex, romance, or even a kiss that makes your foot pop! No thats what is called being "In LOVE" ! "LOVE" is what is left over after the passion has simmered and the kisses given freely. LOVE is a true bond where you have realised that you are one soul inhabiting two bodies that have found each other. I guess you know "LOVE" when you feel how much better you are when with the person you give your love.

May you all find "LOVE" and dont give up on it, its as good a goal as any, maybe better!

Sorry heres one for one person you know who you are http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPjzX-V4Jsc&feature=fvst

There are a few things I had to add, Ive been wrapped up in some good nickelback lately and wanted to share a few songs that if you havent heard, being they arent played alot on the radio, so any of you reading can see why I listen to them. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95bX7-hWWts that ones pretty well known but it says alot of things that strike me deep. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ksaoeCcDYw this one is great if you ever lost someone lol. This is my favorite song right now and I urge anyone that hasnt heard it to listen and hear the words http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0EwAOJwrQA

Bring on the pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok where do I start here .........................hummmmmmm, well I have been deep into thoughts an trying to find the answers to things which cant be answered. I recently went to see the movie "The proposal" at first I was a bit hesitant, but I love the cast and said "what the hey". Well if you havent seen it I will say its definitely worth going to see. Theres a part in the movie where ryan professes his love, sandra says it would just be easier for both too just walk away, ryan responds with something that acually shook me to my core. He looked at her calmly and replied "Yes, it would be easier." this made me think alot!!!!!

Why do we take the easier way, whats wrong with working for something an taking the HARD way?? I believe,............ no I know I made my mistakes and I know I screwed things up, BUT I also KNOW how I feel and I KNOW I dont want easy!

What do I gain from going down an easy path, do I gain wisdom, knowledge, a feeling of accomplishment?? No I simply gain regrets wondering what could have been had I swallowed my pride, admitted my faults, and tried to take the hard way. What would it have hurt, nothing at least i could say I tried with all I had.

Well I stand naked and stripped of my pride, my ego, and my masks facing the world with a humble heart. Asking for the chance to make things right within the universe that is my soul, or whats left of it. Pleading that my once complete heart be made whole to beat yet again, as it hasnt for quite some time. An if not then so be it, come what may, but maybe just maybe this time would be different. Maybe I can give all that I am, maybe I can live, love, and allow myself to be loved as well.

So in closing this babblng of nonsense to whom ever may or may not be reading I say one last thing

FUCK easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well Ive been kickin back enjoying the sweet scent of the Caterpillar's pipe, yes I found the bottom of the hole! But within this strange land of sweet smelling pipes, floating cheesy grins, and rabbits with A.D.D. I still cant find that which I am searching for.

So in the mean time Im gunna smile, lay back, drink more than I should, dance more than I can, love more than I want, and wait for a neverending sleep to wrap me in its gentle dark embrace!

Bring it on fucker! (insert evil laughter here)