Today................................ well sad but true I decided to give blogging a try. Why you may ask, well I knew someone that did it and felt maybe it was a good way to get out how I am feeling.
What makes us do some of the things that we do??? Why do we take something so precious and want to hide it from the rest of the world?? What makes us rage with insecurities and fear??? These are the questions I have found myself toiling over lately. Ok I can feel the confused looks and insightful expressions on the many faces out there.
I very recently parted with who I considered my soulmate, now saying that is not something I would do so lightly. I have loved an been loved, lost love and found it again. But this time it was different I felt like sand after being struck by lightning. Changed and transformed on every level, never again to be the same as I had begun.
But with finding something so rare and blessed we tend to let the beast within ourselves rage. The beast i speak of is one of jealousy and insecurities, one that both loves an hates at the same time. Loves because its found a state of utter bliss, but hates because it knows of the predators that await outside the walls, where it cant keep its treasure safe. This beast is not bad, but it comes off as such because it has found its.......................... well lets call it its "reason"!
What is a reason, well a reason is something within you that you awake with. There is something that stirs you from your dreams, pulls u forth from that careless void and urges you back to reality. Gives you the desire to breathe in and out, open your eyes, this is your "reason" its something to live for!
Well I had my "reason", my answer to my prayers, my everything, my purpose in life, whichever cliche you would like to use. I also had control of the beast, he lay chained an confined to the depths within my essence. But as I grew more fond of my "reason" I could feel the beast awaken anytime there seemed to be a threat about. For a long time I kept him at bay with false promises, empty threats, and unnatural blends of forbidden drink. He seemed sated and would crawl back into his cave and wait,........................ wait for me to lose the upper hand.
Now i dont know when I lost it, how I lost it, or where I lost it, but I will tell you the beast was there to claim it!!! I found myself a lone spectator watching within, not knowing how to fix things. I had no way of pulling the chains and getting back control of that with which I had let loose. I could only lay in wait hoping I could somehow fix the damage being done. But how do you fix words laced with anger, how do you fix thoughts oozing of jealousy, how do you fix love??? How do you take something so pure and simple and make it so complicated and difficult??
Is there a truth to love conquers all, or is that just the ramblings of a hopeful hermit that died awaiting such a boastful comment?
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