Within the hopeless void we find ourselves swimming not alone but with others in pain. Others that share a simple want and need, to find the hope that we all know is buried deep within. To find the outstretched hand beckoning from just above the surface. Waiting for us to just reach out and take a chance.

Are we wanting to drown in this dark stench of helplessness or do we break forth with life and proclaim our freedom??? From what dream, better yet nightmare are we committing ourselves too?? Why do we feel the need to punish ourselves for the lack of love that others fail too embrace?? Should we not just go on living, forever holding a special place in our hearts for those we have loved. Wishing them the best to find that spark that ignites and sends them rolling head over heels into a dreamlike state of euphoria!

I chose to reach out, I chose to live,


I CHOSE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walking along the thinly painted lines within my heart I tend to see a dimly visible light ahead. It calls, no it beckons to me urging me to come back from the bottomless void I have exiled myself too. Can I find my way or am I to live in this prison that I sentenced myself too.

I honestly dont know where I can go, who I can talk too, or where to look. I search and search but come up empty handed trying to find that one thing which keeps evading me. What is it I am eluding too in my mindless wanderings, quite simply its ME!

Maybe going your own way is the only way some see that they will be fine, but what if fine isnt good enough?? What if I want extrodinary? I believe in what I felt and know it to be true and will never apologize for feeling love! The feeling of holding someone so close you can feel the melting of two heartbeats into one single note.

Ever find yourself toiling through a mindless explanation of a lost memory during a song with which you cant remember the words too???? But you can vividly bring to mind the moments you had during that same time frame as said song? Humm I dont know what cheap games are being played or what wild dreams are being thought of. But I can say I dont like them nor do I want to play!!

I listen to memories played on an instrument designed to painfully extract feelings I have tried unsuccessfully to bury. So goes each day a blind fray into a madness where noone exsists and all is dark

Dreams encircle the resurrected feelings in my mind, soring me through a forgotten pain that exsists just to torment me. Hating the bleak cold that surrounds me and trying to sate its thirst with elixirs that promise heat. Wine has lost its flavor, food its taste and love its allure, so what is there left to strive for??

Okay I have chosen to watch as I open up to the intricate world around me, letting the sweet folds of its truth wash over me. The quiet whisper of a dreams soft kiss steal its way into my slumbering mind trying to entice me back. Back from a senseless hole in which nothing, neither time nor substance exsists! But within this dreamlike state we find a certain truth to the emptiness within our own self.

Ok its been a few days and I have been diving through the depths of madness and senseless certainties. I dont know anything other than what I have been told, the sky is blue because I was told so, the world is round because i was meant to believe, and my heart was mine to give, I was just never told it wasnt mine to take back!

So why is it that we try so hard to find the one to which our heart beats in sync with but then work so hard to unsync it once we find it?? I wish I knew the answer to this, if I did Im sure I could cure cancer, see the future, and find that alluding bastard Waldo.

But my days are filled with irrational thoughts, disbelieveing sights, and unmentionable dreams. All cuminating around one thing.......................................... that there is HOPE!

I live in the shadow of a belief, sang the notes to a sonnet within my soul, heard the words of a whisper that swam in my heart. I know not what makes it beat, know not what makes me smile, all I know is I am, an thats all I know.

What does that mean ................................... I dont know but I am working that out

Well the days go by and the dim views start to dawn with a new light. What was cloudy and dark becomes strangely bright and tangible. I guess the thoughts and dreams one has and sees may or may not be what he or she acually wants or needs. But a manifesation of ones own bizzare insanity that has found a voice to call out from the dark with.

I ask these questions and await an answer but dont seem to get the one I want so I ignore it or pretend I didnt hear it. But if thats the case why do I not pretend to get the one that I am really wanting?? This would make sense to the insane natural to which I have gotten accustomed to, or maybe Im not insane at all, LOL. Maybe I am a sane person in an insane situation and just trying to make sense of it all. Then again there is the opposite of that same comment, I could be the insane one in a sane situation......................................hummmm these are just the dam nonsense thoughts that can drive one to become insane from the get go!!!!!!!

As I sit and roll through a day of culminating thoughts, lingering memories, unanswered questions, and unexplainable emotions. I begin to fall endlessly back into myself looking, searching, demanding an answer. Screaming in silence at the utter bleak cold that answers back.

Where do we go to find these answers? Where do we look to see the truth of it all and our role in it? Some say look within...................................... but when you come face to face with an empty shell starring back at you from the mirror of your soul, you will find no answer there. Some say look to God and his wisdom............................... but what if your faith is weakening and God doesnt answer?? Some say everything happens for a reason.......................... really, please explain because if theres a reason it escapes my attention. How many of these BS, emotionally handicapped, mentally stunted, explanations are there out there that acually make one bit of rational sense??

Well with all that said I am going back to an afternoon of relentless disillusion, followed by a night of shameless consuption of some wildly concocted dreams.

May 15th, 2009

Today................................ well sad but true I decided to give blogging a try. Why you may ask, well I knew someone that did it and felt maybe it was a good way to get out how I am feeling.

What makes us do some of the things that we do??? Why do we take something so precious and want to hide it from the rest of the world?? What makes us rage with insecurities and fear??? These are the questions I have found myself toiling over lately. Ok I can feel the confused looks and insightful expressions on the many faces out there.

I very recently parted with who I considered my soulmate, now saying that is not something I would do so lightly. I have loved an been loved, lost love and found it again. But this time it was different I felt like sand after being struck by lightning. Changed and transformed on every level, never again to be the same as I had begun.

But with finding something so rare and blessed we tend to let the beast within ourselves rage. The beast i speak of is one of jealousy and insecurities, one that both loves an hates at the same time. Loves because its found a state of utter bliss, but hates because it knows of the predators that await outside the walls, where it cant keep its treasure safe. This beast is not bad, but it comes off as such because it has found its.......................... well lets call it its "reason"!

What is a reason, well a reason is something within you that you awake with. There is something that stirs you from your dreams, pulls u forth from that careless void and urges you back to reality. Gives you the desire to breathe in and out, open your eyes, this is your "reason" its something to live for!

Well I had my "reason", my answer to my prayers, my everything, my purpose in life, whichever cliche you would like to use. I also had control of the beast, he lay chained an confined to the depths within my essence. But as I grew more fond of my "reason" I could feel the beast awaken anytime there seemed to be a threat about. For a long time I kept him at bay with false promises, empty threats, and unnatural blends of forbidden drink. He seemed sated and would crawl back into his cave and wait,........................ wait for me to lose the upper hand.

Now i dont know when I lost it, how I lost it, or where I lost it, but I will tell you the beast was there to claim it!!! I found myself a lone spectator watching within, not knowing how to fix things. I had no way of pulling the chains and getting back control of that with which I had let loose. I could only lay in wait hoping I could somehow fix the damage being done. But how do you fix words laced with anger, how do you fix thoughts oozing of jealousy, how do you fix love??? How do you take something so pure and simple and make it so complicated and difficult??

Is there a truth to love conquers all, or is that just the ramblings of a hopeful hermit that died awaiting such a boastful comment?