Over and over I tumble deeper into alices crazy rabbit hole trying to make sense of the senseless. How far does the hole go an dammit where are the fricken lights???

I hate being broken, hate thinking things are out and I am better only to sleep and find out that they are still there. That they we're only on a coffee break at the starbucks in my head enjoying an iced half, caff, non fat, double shot frappachino with an xtra shot of caramel an whipped cream on top. An then after their refreshing drink they decide to infiltrate my mind like "Brain Ninjas" and corrupt my nightly sleep with their poison.

WHY????????????? what the hell keeps it implanted so deep that I cant enjoy the simple joys that I have been given to play with. Why is it I wish the close stint I had at death when I saw everything passing before my eyes was the only time I had wished for its sweet embrace? That when all of my lifes regrets were flashing in the span of nothingness the only thing that replayed itself over was this one thing???


Why?? a question only an insane person could answer

WOW! ............................... sometimes life just makes you stand back and go "WOW!" It can be something as simple as the beat of a hummingbirds wings, or as amazing as watching the birth of your own child that you helped create. But no matter how big or small it is it will make an impact on your life and you will forever more remember that time.

I have seen alot of things that make me think to myself "wow!" but I do remember the ones that have. Strange how a smell, taste, sight, or a simple touch can bring back these amazing feelings.

That brings me to my new revelation........ lol like I want or need another, feelings, what are they an why do we pretend that there is one that is better or worse than any of the others. Love, its something for which wars have been fought for and men and women alike have died in the name of. But yet we all think it so beautiful, LOL yet another thing for me to stand back and say "WOW!" too. Absolutely insane how something so supposedly beautiful an pure can be the cause of such ugliness and pain!


......................"WOW!"........................

Do you believe??? Great now I sound like a lost episode of "The X-files" LOL, but I ask this question only because I try n believe but come up without. Finding less and less substantial substance within people, maybe I have been spoiled with who I have known, maybe I am not looking hard enough, or maybe I dont believe anymore.

I have met men that said they have seen an angel, but I have held one and that will always be mine. I have sought and seen that which lies in our past, an our future, they are small indeed when compared to what lies within our hearts. These are the things that pass before your eyes when something life threatening occurs. Sorrys, regrets, pain, remorse, lost wishes, forgotten dreams, hidden desires, and most of all, love not given! I have decided the greatest gift that God has planned for us too learn is too love and be loved in return.


"I love you" such seemingly small, meaningless, often overused, and simple words really. But within these three words you can find a smile, a heart, a soul, an most of all you can find life!

Hahaha well sometimes its pretty funny what life brings your way. Sometimes whats needed to make you smile and laugh is so simple its quite entertaining in itself. Believeing in what you find within is a much harder thing than how simple the task sounds. But much easier than not caring how that task is accomplished. Just stop, smile, and sing zippity dooo dah at the top of your lungs and you'll be just fine

There are times when you look at who you are and see that which everyone else sees. Then there are other times when you see that which is truely real. One not clouded and shrouded within a series of distorted thoughts and daydreams. Can you look back or do you turn away???

Ive come to love and hate the weird quirkie inconsistancies that life presents to ones self out of the norm. I see that some things while may seem like a big thing are not that big at all but rather small and meaningless.

So the long days slowly start to become one long, insightful, blissful night. One filled with a sultry bartender that serves incredible concoctions of forbidden elixirs. One where the dancing doesnt stop but instead extend into a neverending blend of sexual and emotional movements, both testing and enticing the senses. This is my world, this is my mind come with me and fly!!!!!!!!

Well Ive been told that I add too much "Fluff" to my blog, to which the meaning is adding something of no consequence. Now for someone shallow and unfeeling then yes my feelings and thoughts could be seen as fluff I guess. But saying how you truely feel in detail to me isnt fluff but rather trying to let those that dont know me, fully understand the "insanity" that I feel within.

How many times in your life do you shut away your feelings rather than say them, how many times do you hide the madness rather than let it free?? So it sits about inside raging about, gaining strength, getting bigger, ready to let loose its turmoil at a moments notice. I would much prefer to weather small tropical rains here and there than face a full onslaught of a catagory 5 hurricane once in a while. But hey thats just me, call me crazy, haha but makes more sense to my insane mind I guess.

I have come to believe that I dwell within each day as a dreaming passer by, peering outside once and while to make sure I am not gunna run into shit. But trying to stay hidden so as not to let anything or anyone in. Is this a way to exsist, or is this my lame attempt to hide from what I know is out there?

Is there a way within ourselves that we can cut out our feelings and make them not our own??? Feel nothing, never to feel the touch of love, the breath of an angel upon my neck, the brush of her flesh against mine, never to let her sweet words wash over me like a sweet wine?? These are the questions I ask myself everyday.

Dreams are said to be ones own wishes and desires, but are they??? If they are then we have alot of diseased and poisoned dreams. If they are not, then they a cruel joke played out by a cynical God, to hurt, remind, an torment us in our sleep! If I lose love an its my fault is that not torture enough, or am I to relive what coulda been within the confines of my sleep?? I lay awake more now occupying my numb emptiness with randomness day in and day out just to avoid my nightly dreamscapes.

I have seen men that beat both with words and flesh and yet I am guilty of neither, but yet I have been sentenced to waking nightmares and dreams I wish Id never awake from!

I know a song an it sums it up pretty darn good, "No other love .......................... momma Im flyin!" Feel free to listen if you wish to soar with me!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueZz1X--fG4&feature=PlayList&p=7307D15280EC873F&index=0

When the curtain falls on one of loves performances, why is it we never hear about encores?? The times when love abandons all remorse, and throws open the curtains without concern bout where they may fall. Ill tell ya why we dont hear bout these times played out on ones own stage, its because encores are flop or soar. If they soar then the world opens up its arms and welcomes with warmth and smiles. If it flops then the curtain ends up rolling back in upon itself hiding what lies behind.

I dont think that love no matter how big or small is ever lost just misplaced. All you need is a good map and alot of faith to find it again. How do you heal the wounds that were caused, I believe if you love someone then no wound is to big that cant be forgotten.

Believe in love and yourself and love will believe in you and you in the one you love!

Choosing life an love within a void of unexplainable emotions is an experience in of itself hahahaha keeping the faith is what its all about