You know what I am tired...................so dam tired of letting my pride decide whats ok and what isnt. What I can say and what i shouldnt, what I can do and what I cant. Its time to let go and just say what it is that is tormenting me.

I love you HEATHER, I love you, I know I neither loved you like you wanted nor deserved but I love you none the less. You are the air that I need to wake to in the morning, you are my reason for getting out of bed, the very thing that makes my heart beat and my soul soar.

I am saying this without any riddled messages, any fancy slang, gibberish or fluff to give you any reason that it doesnt mean exactly what it says.

I dont know a whole lot bout being a good husband, God knows Ive failed at that, Im not the best provider, or friend, but I do know that when im with you I am a better person. What does that mean an why is it that every second without you is an eternity of utter pain???? I dont know and I know I have looked for the answers an all i can say is Im sorry!! Im sorry for failing you, hurting you, not letting you in, not loving you with all that I am, and not being there for you. I know i messed up and if I could I would spend my entire life making it right. I am not gunna dwell on the past, thats a waste of time and again Im sorry for doing so. You deserve much MUCH better than that and I so wanted to be the man to give it to you.

So there it is in black and white, laid out in front of me with open arms, tears falling, and heart exposed. No doubts, no blame, no buts, just a dumb boy that loves a girl.

A long road traveled and lived within a waking dream, surrounded by a starless sky, and encased in upon itself. This is where I walk, where I bide my time, and ponder my ways. Pushing each day to make a change and finding it rather easy and rewarding. New wonders reveal their splendor, new faces fill my thoughts, dreams become reality, and reality is lost to a dream. Here in this blissful stupor I find a rather inviting genius that neither cares nor wonders, but just "IS"

I think it was Bellas dad that said it best ........................

An the insanity continues, but within the whirlwind of fury there is a lack of understanding an love. I have been gone for a while trying to forgive the past, look forward to the future, and be in the present. Only to find myself precariously doing none of that at all. I hated that I could not forgive for something I too had done, I was baffled that I could not see through the fog an see what lie ahead, and I was ashamed that I couldnt grasp for the now and hold on.

In the midst of trying to think of what I did and how wrong I was I did see that at least I wasnt alone. At least I can say most people make these mistakes. We all make mistakes some big some not so much, so am I to believe I am such a horrible person. The answer is yes, cause I love her and that is not how you treat someone you love and for that I will forever regret.

See I made a big mistake, I couldnt let someone in and release my past, all because I was unwilling to let go of my fears, anger, and stupidity. I was waiting for something bad to happen, for the nightmare to come alive and engulf my world and put me back to the place I had escaped. So I had an out, a pass, an escape, but with this comes a total failure of giving into love and hope. I do see the errors I have made and hope that one day I can tell the one I hurt I am sorry. I know I have screwed up bad, but the intentions were never to do so, my love for her may be soiled but it is true and forever.

Ending this I can only add that I hate being human we are prone to mistakes, forgiving them is harder than thought and forgetting them is rarely done. But please, if you do read this just know everything that I did to hurt you was not out of spite or hatred only stupidity and fear, an for that I am sorry. Most of all I regret not letting you in an accepting your love as I should, I am ashamed, hurt, and stupid but then again I am human an on top of that a man, would you expect anything more.

But I am just that an not much more, a hurt lost boy that sees an angel and loves her for all that she is