I have decided that no longer am I "dreamin" as is my name because I was lost within this state not knowing who I was, not loving who I was, not believeing who I was. I was dreamin wanting ...... wishing......... I could wake and know that all this ugliness was just a bleak, dark, nightmare. But alas I have come to accept that it really isnt that this total distain and pertentious bullshit is well just that ........ BULLSHIT!

Women wander this world wanting the truth, wanting commitment, romance, a storybook ending. But let me be not the first to say it as I know its been said but the last to say it. The truth only hurts, if you cant commit then dont expect the other to either, romance......two way street, and last but not least life isnt a storybook thought up by disney, more like doctor suess. What the story book doesnt tell you is what happens after the fact guess what snow white and the prince had their share of fights, hell maybe she slipped up and screwed dopey a time or two. Sleeping beauty come on now thats a nice way to say the bitch was a druggie Im sure she fell off the wagon as well. Point is we all make mistakes, we ALL lie, we all fuck up once in a while. But its sad how its always the scorned woman that throws all your mistakes in your face. What about theirs is their mistake any less or should it not be as punished and public?? Whos the guiltier the man that cheats on his wife or the woman that he cheats with that knows hes married?? I say they are both equally wrong and therefore cancel out ea other neither is better than the other. Women call us men liars well we are all liars and the first to say they are not is the biggest liar of them all.

I have found within this madness, insanity, and chaos a certain understanding and contentment. I have learned that while I have made mistakes and hurt, I too have been hurt and those that think they can throw my mistakes have made their own as well.But for some reason I am suppose to have mine thrown in my face and made to think I am a horrible monster when I finally took the time to step away this is what I saw. I saw a frightened hurt lonely man both beaten down, scorned, ashamed, and regretful. But in that one moment of self realization I also saw someone very loving, someone strong, someone that will never give up on you, someone that will always listen and try to help, someone worth seeing! I try looking past the superficial and shallow and see whats inside and beautiful in people now its time I see the same things in me.

You call me uncaring, i call you an angel, you call me an asshole, I call you baby, you call me a jerk, I call you mom, you call me unromantic, I call you beautiful. You dont believe in me, I never gave up on you, you hurt me with my own children, I praise you to them, you try and hurt me when I need you, I am there when you need me when I should just let you hurt.

My heart is damaged, bruised, broken, taped, glued and pieced together as best as I can do and it may not be perfect but it still got a beat or two left in it, an its about time I take care of it. Its time I take care of me and loving me cause where you see a jerk, asshole, deadbeat, or bad guy. I see a guy that has made mistakes has answered for them been falsely accused of things tht never should have been, has taken all the blame when the blame shoulda been shared, has kept others mistakes quiet cause of love, has been there for those that needed him even when it was for advice on love not for him. I see an imperfect person in an imperfect world just trying to find his way without making too many mistakes. I may surprise you cus someday you may awaken an see that I wasnt all that bad but that your own mistakes, insecurities, and shame was what you were mad about. But then again maybe you wont maybe you will live life in hurt, pain, and anger never knowing love, never feeling happiness just to see the first shining star at night, never to feel forgivness. I still look up each and every night and search for that first star and when I find it I repeat "Star light, star bright first star I see tonight I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight." and I always end the same way "I just wish to be happy," Sad that I have to wish for that cause I dont feel I deserve it well I do we all do. First step is to believe you can be happy next is stop believeing those who say you cant!