I am dancing within my dreams, holding onto forever, and feeling alive. I have come to some truths and they are that, true love is about how you forgive not forget, not how you listen but how you understand, and not bout letting go but how hard you can HOLD ON! True love is not about the kissing, hugging, or even the "I love you"s, its about the feeling that sends chills through your body when that person is near.



I have often wondered if I could ever stop thinking of the person I love, but then it hit me Ill never try to do so, therefore I will never know. I guess Ive loved her all my life its just taken me a really long time to find her!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2oTmdZ-Q7g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VascyLfpNrI

This one is not her style of music but the words are perfect ............for you Angel!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKXJt-XUuMo

Have you ever found yourself floating somewhere between life and a dreamworld that you know is too good to be trusted??? It is here that I trudge along and try and keep my feet grounded, at least for the most part. My heart aching to let go and sail off into the euphoric smoke filled land of dreams come true, love is found often, and happily ever afters. But my soul pulling back at the reins, crying "FOUL" saying do not go lightly into this place. Cause there within the shadows cast by the sparkling castles and shimmering rivers, lie many unseen demons. They, only wanting to shred, rip, and tear at the very essence of what we hope to be true and pure. But what if you "know" that which you crave IS good, IS pure, an IS beautiful. Do you chance your heart and take the leap of faith you know destiny is screaming at you to take. Or do you stay grounded, bound by laws that have limits, that do not see a future in love. I say a life without risk and without love is no life at all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEW8riKU_tE , http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4k5JWegwHg , http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCJ4c_kjUB0 , http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5RltVM49qM

I had a dream last night, I asked God, "Why does love have to hurt so much?" He simply replied "If you love someone you are giving them a piece of yourself, if that piece is not replaced its going to hurt until it is."

Sad thing is this acually made alot of sense to me and its odd that I only remembered that part of the dream. Funny that the most simple explanation is usually the right one.

Thanks for the insight

believeing that there is a way to feel, hang onto that belief and maybe it will happen. Dont and all we are is an empty shell of worthless nothing.

Addicted to the dreams of what my mind precieves as believeble such are Gods ironies and the Devils cruel jokes.

I think the trick to finding your perfect person is to take off the beer googles and rose colored glasses, and seeing people, flaws and all. Then and only then can you find a perfect person by seeing the imperfect person they are, perfectly and accepting them that way.

wow ok even my own insane brain needs a drink after that!

Each day I torture my body relentlessly adding new pains. Heaving the heavy weights that lie on my shoulders off an using them to further my own masochistic behavior. But with each day the pain is less, hurt harder to find, and the memories of what was, grow fuzzier. By changing who I am, I no longer am who I was nor do I feel his suffering. I change myself for the better with each weight I lift, with each lap I swim, and with each bead of sweat the rolls off my forehead.

The bitter sweet taste of beauty and love, how can something be enjoyed without the fear of some tasteless, out of sight poison dwelling just beneath the surface? But yet we dive in full bore enjoying its exquisite journey through our emotions. Live with its breath upon our shoulder enjoying its perpetual dank stench that promises only pain. What a delicious blend of pleasurable pains, each bringing its own memorable experience.

But within these same new experiences we find knowledge, a deep understanding that without hurt we know nothing. But when we find the things that can penetrate our hearts and minds, we can better know what we need to stimulate our bodies!!!!!

Well another week has taken its final bow and exited stage left. As much as we would like the days to go by without incident never quite goes as planned. Things we wish we could explain to others in life, make them see and understand. We are hated for things which we dont do and no matter what we say most dont want to stop being mad long enough to see the truth. Yet these same people are out doing what they want , with who they want, and how they want. This somehow gives them the unnatural superpower to judge others as bad people when they themselves are no better. Oh well just makes understanding the insanity that much more clear and tangible.

I have looked for a way to patiently sit back and put together the broken pieces an then try and convince myself that what is now mended is as good as it was when new. But the sad thing is what is broken will always be broken, there will always be a crack, scar, or scratch where once there wasnt. I guess Id rather not even try, but to continue to see it broken and remember it as it was when it was at its best, than to mend it and pretend it never happened.

Dear God drunk texting at its finest, alcohol, feelings, and cell phones should have some sort of surgeon generals warning label on them.

"Warning the surgeon general has noted that mixing of cell phones, alcohol, and feelings should not be done in any way, shape, or form they may cause temporary insanity, lack of self control, heart pain, and not to mention making a total ASS of yourself!"

I think that while a nice delightful beverage filled with spirits and exotic tastes promise good times but on the other edge of that same sword promise only pain. Pain to which I see very little escape and only a few dim views of a solution.

To those that tell you to find love and hold on I say step back look at them ever so deeply in the eyes anbd kindly say "FUCK OFF!" I say find someone you can tolerate thats good in bed if it ends so what you move on!

I have spent a few days enjoying the silence that screams out without a sound. Funny how the things from your past come back when your scouring your soul searching for answers to unasked questions. Like stupid things that you think you left in the past like good boy band sappy fluff filled songs. I believe these songs got a bad rap such as just being for young girlies with braces and pigtails who havent experienced anything close to love. But you know if you listen to the songs the words still can hit a certain true cord in your heart. Making you smile, making you laugh, or making you cry.

How many of us have listened to the words here and felt the same http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nY4ltWjt3Q, or how many of us have been so deep in love that a song such as this didnt just say it all http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iecEDzDoXc. If your a fan of the backstreet boys you cant but hear and not feel these words http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaZWQHzfGXs. What of Insync, well no truer words could be said when you kiss an angel, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL2jkJAVRB8. Well I will say for the none believers and the doubters there will come a time when these songs will mean more to you..................... this I promise you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3pzIzlcCMs

Yeah i was a fan an probably always will be to these sappy teenie bopper foodle, but ya know I can smile through tear streaked eyes and say Im good with that.

I think we tend to worry about tomarrow and what it may bring, or of regrets of the past, when then do we take the time to live for today? I think that people seldom say "I love you" at the right time or they say it too late and love leaves, so when I say it, it doesnt mean I know you'll never go, only that I wish you didnt have too!

Have you ever had a waking dream where you know your awake but everything your doing feels like a dream? Its not often we force our tired bodies past the point of sleep for the simple fact tht you dont want to fall asleep. Now why would anyone want to stay awake, well to hear the sweet sound of a word, to smell beauty on the wind, or to look into the eyes of an angel, just to name a few.

Its always nice to visit ones own heart from time to time an know that it still beats!

Whenever you feel down just listen to a few songs that may help even if its just a bit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JZkGUNGZ9s

Your never gunna be alone.........................ever not being the fricken amazing person you are http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbSD6OCl-oc

Sometimes our own feelings and problems seem trivial, especially when you see what some have to go through. Having to try and be the best friend and parent that you can only to have it thrown in your face. Then expected to just stand up scraped and bruised to gather the pieces of what you have and start a new. Well just know you are not alone, you are worth more, and you have true friends here for you ALWAYS!!!!

You know who you are and when life seems hard, step back, smile and know you are loved by many. The ones that dont, miss out on someone amazing and its their loss. When all fails just listen to this song and take the advice LOL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UcRJzeV4BI

So that tap you feel on your shoulder ................... its just the world dont look cause you know you did your best! Hope that brought a smile to your face.

Why is it so hard to believe in fate, why is it we deny it and pass it all off as coincidence? Why is it we cant allow ourselves to love without limits or conditions? Why when our soul screams "I am here for you." does noone listen? Is it so hard to hear the concern and pain, feel the love and believe that for once its ok to be loved? Accepting love does not mean you feel the same way but it is OK to allow yourself to be loved. When your in need of something as simple as a hug, someone to let you know that everything will be all right, or just to hold you close and listen, I promise, its OK.

Sweet melodies fill my ears without making a sound, haunting my dreams and making me wish Id never awaken. Keep me safe within a world of my own making where all is the way it should be, at least in my mind as I see it. Escape to a place where pain is fleeting, dreams come true, and love conquers all.

Why is it we can have all the attention we crave and its not enough if its not coming from where we want it too. Why am I so selfish an can not give back to that which is so freely given to me. I hate that I cant love, but maybe its because I am already in such a state.

Ok all better now, resisted the strange sensations that want to crawl forth an take hold.

But the whirlwind that swirls within is just a complex mix of primal thoughts, love, and sadness. Kinda weird really makes you dream in a sleepless state, makes you hurt without pain, and makes you smile without feeling.

Each day I feel that this strange new embodiment within me is taking a stronger hold over me and claiming dominance. I have a taste for the raw, a wanting to be released of the bonds of conforming, a need to act on my urges.

Here in the darkenss I can see, it is here that I listen to nothing but hear everything, here that I can let its sweet smell entice my senses to release that which prowls my soul. Within its meaningless mysteries I dance with death and cling to life, both fearing and craving the unknown. I pace back and forth reveling in the urges that eminate from within my very soul.......................................................tasteing only the primal

I think I want to change the title too "Understanding the FLUFF within." Bwhahahahaha!!!!!!!! Cause really thats all that we have within ourselves, just a big ball of meaningless FLUFF right? An all we can do is try and make sense of it all, of all the nonsense.

FLUFF, such a funny word has a few meanings really,

A delicious marshmellowy snack, basically a slimy sugary substance that is great for sexual fun

A light an soft mass, downy particles, such as that of cotton hummm, can probably be best seen in a few porn scenes where young maidens scantily clad, beat each other with pillows filled with such a delightfully billowy mass exploding out an landing precariously all over their bodies.

An error or blunder, now this I have made a few times, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, doing the wrong thing, behaving in the wrong way, believeing in the wrong thing, and the list goes on but who hasnt.

An last but not least.....................

Something of no consequence, which honestly wouldnt make alot of sense. If it did then that would be saying that someones thoughts, their feelings, and their very dreams are well meaningless. Im not so sure that what I feel, think, or dream is meaningless so there for I think I will keep it as it is, an that is a deeper understanding of an insane situation hahaha.

Ahhhhhh the weekend is over, sometimes the most tiresome part of having fun is acually "HAVING FUN" LOL!! But we sit with a drink in one hand, our foot tapping to a delightful beat and smile. Letting all our cares just slip into oblivion and let the music surround, envelope, and guide us on a tour of our own bodies.

Music is one of those things, it either is a part of you, where you can feel its very meaning and it touches you in places you never knew exsisted. An no I dont mean that in an uncle buck touched me in a naughty place type of way, for those of you out there with discusting thoughts lol. Or its something that you only appreciate it and like certain genre types of music. If in which case I just feel sorry for you, you'll never be able to be one with the sound, let it move your body in ways no school can teach, and bring forth feelings noone outside of this can feel.

So let the week begin, theres work to do, people to piss off, fluff to write, time to enjoy, and workouts to endure. Sooner than you think we will be right back to a fri night, but for some of us tues nights have become a way to get through till fri gets here LOL.

Insanity stands in check with but a simple thought...................................what if. What if, such an interesting concept. What if I had said this, what if I said that, what if we didnt play childish games, an what if we did? Haha well shoulda, coulda, wouldas n you know what, come what may, it makes no difference.

Now come children, come sit around the campfire for a tale, a tale of a fateful trip LOL, NOT! No a just a fluff filled thought or two hahaha. I think while men and women are fated to be together God in his wisdom made us unequal when he split us. Men while strong physically could never muster the strength to handle that which a women does to bring forth new life. Nor are we strong in our handling of our emotions an feelings. So we screw up and think we are doing the right thing but we usually end up doing the wrong. Such is the life we as men have to endure ohhhhh well as long as we surrender to our ignorance I guess we can find bliss. We forgive those we love and go on our merry little way without a care as to the past. Women on the other hand let the past sit and fester neither forgiving nor forgetting, but simply simmering. Problem is sooner or later the heat will get turned to high, boil, and burst forth. So I guess our first step to trying to not only understand but get on equal ground beside the women we crave so badly, is to acually listen. Listen to what they mean not what they say, because therein is where we make most of our mistakes. We hear the words but not the meaning, which yes these are two different statements. I guess we must learn how to read the subtitles and not just watch the pictures, dam venetian movies anyway!

So lets all unite under one fluff filled banner and proclaim our creed.....................we will try an listen to the meaning behind the words! hahahahaha

I sometimes wonder if there are people out there that have felt the same as me and wondered if some of these guys singing have ever acually felt love, hurt, lose, or pain. Or do they just sing what they are given then I can across a song that answered it for me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZXHYItXWqE couldnt have said it better myself

So the insanity continues, an I fight to find a meaning to the madness that swirls in a maelstrom within the empty space where my heart use to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyQDkMwjE1U pretty much sums it up all in 4 mins, amazing song, with an amazing feeling behind it, that I shared with an amazing woman!!!!!!!!

Have tried to deny the fact that im still in love, but in doing so have denied the truth. My heart is not mine to give an even if it were, I dont know that I would want to give it to anyone else. I try to pull away and pretend Im ok, when really Im not. Its not from lack of options or of trying, its from lack of my heart an the other half of that which made me whole. I sit and listen to songs that keep the memories fresh in my mind, some would say Im torturing myself or that I cant let go. I could let go if I "WANTED" too and if torturing myself is trying to relive times that were some of the best in my life then so be it! Yeah it would be easier to just walk away, build some walls, live in lust, and try and forget, yes it would be easier! But well I just dont think I want it so easy anymore! I love being in love and you know what ..................................come what may!

Hearts are pretty funny things think about it, they beat without us asking them too, they keep us going long after we are ready to throw in the towel, and they lack a sense of self preservation. Yet we give them freely without a second thought as too the implications of whether we can ever get it back. Because without it we die, so now I sit and wonder how on earth my ass is still breathing. LOL

You know theres a certain bliss to staying up alnight, goin to a park, and sitting out under the bright full moon. Letting its mysteries enfold around you and take you on a journey through memories you fondly remember. Parks are a wonderful place to lose yourself an let out the animal within your very core. Let the night shadow you allowing your instints to take over, hear every sound, see within the dark, tear off your clothes and just well .......................BE! Be whatever you want, whoever you want, stripped of any cares, thoughts, or doubts!

Ahhh sitting and thinking on things that just make me smile, fill me with laughter, and good times . You know as much as it hurts to say goodbye to people, places, and feelings sometimes its what is needed. In the grand scheme of things its only a fleeting moment in an endless sea of emotions. Why let such things dwell within your mind when there are so many more things to experience in life. Music that sings to the heart and rises you above such trival, mundane, crap. Visions that take your breath away and remind you that God is still there! Feelings that send shivers that not only run the length of your body, but touch deep within your very soul. These things and many more have made me smile, think, and remember and embrace that which I had forgotten. Better to have loved and lost than to never had loved at all!

I have come to a few thoughts that have left me at peace, one the true definition of "LOVE", which is not passion, sex, romance, or even a kiss that makes your foot pop! No thats what is called being "In LOVE" ! "LOVE" is what is left over after the passion has simmered and the kisses given freely. LOVE is a true bond where you have realised that you are one soul inhabiting two bodies that have found each other. I guess you know "LOVE" when you feel how much better you are when with the person you give your love.

May you all find "LOVE" and dont give up on it, its as good a goal as any, maybe better!

Sorry heres one for one person you know who you are http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPjzX-V4Jsc&feature=fvst

There are a few things I had to add, Ive been wrapped up in some good nickelback lately and wanted to share a few songs that if you havent heard, being they arent played alot on the radio, so any of you reading can see why I listen to them. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95bX7-hWWts that ones pretty well known but it says alot of things that strike me deep. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ksaoeCcDYw this one is great if you ever lost someone lol. This is my favorite song right now and I urge anyone that hasnt heard it to listen and hear the words http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0EwAOJwrQA

Bring on the pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok where do I start here .........................hummmmmmm, well I have been deep into thoughts an trying to find the answers to things which cant be answered. I recently went to see the movie "The proposal" at first I was a bit hesitant, but I love the cast and said "what the hey". Well if you havent seen it I will say its definitely worth going to see. Theres a part in the movie where ryan professes his love, sandra says it would just be easier for both too just walk away, ryan responds with something that acually shook me to my core. He looked at her calmly and replied "Yes, it would be easier." this made me think alot!!!!!

Why do we take the easier way, whats wrong with working for something an taking the HARD way?? I believe,............ no I know I made my mistakes and I know I screwed things up, BUT I also KNOW how I feel and I KNOW I dont want easy!

What do I gain from going down an easy path, do I gain wisdom, knowledge, a feeling of accomplishment?? No I simply gain regrets wondering what could have been had I swallowed my pride, admitted my faults, and tried to take the hard way. What would it have hurt, nothing at least i could say I tried with all I had.

Well I stand naked and stripped of my pride, my ego, and my masks facing the world with a humble heart. Asking for the chance to make things right within the universe that is my soul, or whats left of it. Pleading that my once complete heart be made whole to beat yet again, as it hasnt for quite some time. An if not then so be it, come what may, but maybe just maybe this time would be different. Maybe I can give all that I am, maybe I can live, love, and allow myself to be loved as well.

So in closing this babblng of nonsense to whom ever may or may not be reading I say one last thing

FUCK easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well Ive been kickin back enjoying the sweet scent of the Caterpillar's pipe, yes I found the bottom of the hole! But within this strange land of sweet smelling pipes, floating cheesy grins, and rabbits with A.D.D. I still cant find that which I am searching for.

So in the mean time Im gunna smile, lay back, drink more than I should, dance more than I can, love more than I want, and wait for a neverending sleep to wrap me in its gentle dark embrace!

Bring it on fucker! (insert evil laughter here)

Over and over I tumble deeper into alices crazy rabbit hole trying to make sense of the senseless. How far does the hole go an dammit where are the fricken lights???

I hate being broken, hate thinking things are out and I am better only to sleep and find out that they are still there. That they we're only on a coffee break at the starbucks in my head enjoying an iced half, caff, non fat, double shot frappachino with an xtra shot of caramel an whipped cream on top. An then after their refreshing drink they decide to infiltrate my mind like "Brain Ninjas" and corrupt my nightly sleep with their poison.

WHY????????????? what the hell keeps it implanted so deep that I cant enjoy the simple joys that I have been given to play with. Why is it I wish the close stint I had at death when I saw everything passing before my eyes was the only time I had wished for its sweet embrace? That when all of my lifes regrets were flashing in the span of nothingness the only thing that replayed itself over was this one thing???


Why?? a question only an insane person could answer

WOW! ............................... sometimes life just makes you stand back and go "WOW!" It can be something as simple as the beat of a hummingbirds wings, or as amazing as watching the birth of your own child that you helped create. But no matter how big or small it is it will make an impact on your life and you will forever more remember that time.

I have seen alot of things that make me think to myself "wow!" but I do remember the ones that have. Strange how a smell, taste, sight, or a simple touch can bring back these amazing feelings.

That brings me to my new revelation........ lol like I want or need another, feelings, what are they an why do we pretend that there is one that is better or worse than any of the others. Love, its something for which wars have been fought for and men and women alike have died in the name of. But yet we all think it so beautiful, LOL yet another thing for me to stand back and say "WOW!" too. Absolutely insane how something so supposedly beautiful an pure can be the cause of such ugliness and pain!


......................"WOW!"........................

Do you believe??? Great now I sound like a lost episode of "The X-files" LOL, but I ask this question only because I try n believe but come up without. Finding less and less substantial substance within people, maybe I have been spoiled with who I have known, maybe I am not looking hard enough, or maybe I dont believe anymore.

I have met men that said they have seen an angel, but I have held one and that will always be mine. I have sought and seen that which lies in our past, an our future, they are small indeed when compared to what lies within our hearts. These are the things that pass before your eyes when something life threatening occurs. Sorrys, regrets, pain, remorse, lost wishes, forgotten dreams, hidden desires, and most of all, love not given! I have decided the greatest gift that God has planned for us too learn is too love and be loved in return.


"I love you" such seemingly small, meaningless, often overused, and simple words really. But within these three words you can find a smile, a heart, a soul, an most of all you can find life!

Hahaha well sometimes its pretty funny what life brings your way. Sometimes whats needed to make you smile and laugh is so simple its quite entertaining in itself. Believeing in what you find within is a much harder thing than how simple the task sounds. But much easier than not caring how that task is accomplished. Just stop, smile, and sing zippity dooo dah at the top of your lungs and you'll be just fine

There are times when you look at who you are and see that which everyone else sees. Then there are other times when you see that which is truely real. One not clouded and shrouded within a series of distorted thoughts and daydreams. Can you look back or do you turn away???

Ive come to love and hate the weird quirkie inconsistancies that life presents to ones self out of the norm. I see that some things while may seem like a big thing are not that big at all but rather small and meaningless.

So the long days slowly start to become one long, insightful, blissful night. One filled with a sultry bartender that serves incredible concoctions of forbidden elixirs. One where the dancing doesnt stop but instead extend into a neverending blend of sexual and emotional movements, both testing and enticing the senses. This is my world, this is my mind come with me and fly!!!!!!!!

Well Ive been told that I add too much "Fluff" to my blog, to which the meaning is adding something of no consequence. Now for someone shallow and unfeeling then yes my feelings and thoughts could be seen as fluff I guess. But saying how you truely feel in detail to me isnt fluff but rather trying to let those that dont know me, fully understand the "insanity" that I feel within.

How many times in your life do you shut away your feelings rather than say them, how many times do you hide the madness rather than let it free?? So it sits about inside raging about, gaining strength, getting bigger, ready to let loose its turmoil at a moments notice. I would much prefer to weather small tropical rains here and there than face a full onslaught of a catagory 5 hurricane once in a while. But hey thats just me, call me crazy, haha but makes more sense to my insane mind I guess.

I have come to believe that I dwell within each day as a dreaming passer by, peering outside once and while to make sure I am not gunna run into shit. But trying to stay hidden so as not to let anything or anyone in. Is this a way to exsist, or is this my lame attempt to hide from what I know is out there?

Is there a way within ourselves that we can cut out our feelings and make them not our own??? Feel nothing, never to feel the touch of love, the breath of an angel upon my neck, the brush of her flesh against mine, never to let her sweet words wash over me like a sweet wine?? These are the questions I ask myself everyday.

Dreams are said to be ones own wishes and desires, but are they??? If they are then we have alot of diseased and poisoned dreams. If they are not, then they a cruel joke played out by a cynical God, to hurt, remind, an torment us in our sleep! If I lose love an its my fault is that not torture enough, or am I to relive what coulda been within the confines of my sleep?? I lay awake more now occupying my numb emptiness with randomness day in and day out just to avoid my nightly dreamscapes.

I have seen men that beat both with words and flesh and yet I am guilty of neither, but yet I have been sentenced to waking nightmares and dreams I wish Id never awake from!

I know a song an it sums it up pretty darn good, "No other love .......................... momma Im flyin!" Feel free to listen if you wish to soar with me!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueZz1X--fG4&feature=PlayList&p=7307D15280EC873F&index=0

When the curtain falls on one of loves performances, why is it we never hear about encores?? The times when love abandons all remorse, and throws open the curtains without concern bout where they may fall. Ill tell ya why we dont hear bout these times played out on ones own stage, its because encores are flop or soar. If they soar then the world opens up its arms and welcomes with warmth and smiles. If it flops then the curtain ends up rolling back in upon itself hiding what lies behind.

I dont think that love no matter how big or small is ever lost just misplaced. All you need is a good map and alot of faith to find it again. How do you heal the wounds that were caused, I believe if you love someone then no wound is to big that cant be forgotten.

Believe in love and yourself and love will believe in you and you in the one you love!

Choosing life an love within a void of unexplainable emotions is an experience in of itself hahahaha keeping the faith is what its all about

Within the hopeless void we find ourselves swimming not alone but with others in pain. Others that share a simple want and need, to find the hope that we all know is buried deep within. To find the outstretched hand beckoning from just above the surface. Waiting for us to just reach out and take a chance.

Are we wanting to drown in this dark stench of helplessness or do we break forth with life and proclaim our freedom??? From what dream, better yet nightmare are we committing ourselves too?? Why do we feel the need to punish ourselves for the lack of love that others fail too embrace?? Should we not just go on living, forever holding a special place in our hearts for those we have loved. Wishing them the best to find that spark that ignites and sends them rolling head over heels into a dreamlike state of euphoria!

I chose to reach out, I chose to live,


I CHOSE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Walking along the thinly painted lines within my heart I tend to see a dimly visible light ahead. It calls, no it beckons to me urging me to come back from the bottomless void I have exiled myself too. Can I find my way or am I to live in this prison that I sentenced myself too.

I honestly dont know where I can go, who I can talk too, or where to look. I search and search but come up empty handed trying to find that one thing which keeps evading me. What is it I am eluding too in my mindless wanderings, quite simply its ME!

Maybe going your own way is the only way some see that they will be fine, but what if fine isnt good enough?? What if I want extrodinary? I believe in what I felt and know it to be true and will never apologize for feeling love! The feeling of holding someone so close you can feel the melting of two heartbeats into one single note.

Ever find yourself toiling through a mindless explanation of a lost memory during a song with which you cant remember the words too???? But you can vividly bring to mind the moments you had during that same time frame as said song? Humm I dont know what cheap games are being played or what wild dreams are being thought of. But I can say I dont like them nor do I want to play!!

I listen to memories played on an instrument designed to painfully extract feelings I have tried unsuccessfully to bury. So goes each day a blind fray into a madness where noone exsists and all is dark

Dreams encircle the resurrected feelings in my mind, soring me through a forgotten pain that exsists just to torment me. Hating the bleak cold that surrounds me and trying to sate its thirst with elixirs that promise heat. Wine has lost its flavor, food its taste and love its allure, so what is there left to strive for??

Okay I have chosen to watch as I open up to the intricate world around me, letting the sweet folds of its truth wash over me. The quiet whisper of a dreams soft kiss steal its way into my slumbering mind trying to entice me back. Back from a senseless hole in which nothing, neither time nor substance exsists! But within this dreamlike state we find a certain truth to the emptiness within our own self.

Ok its been a few days and I have been diving through the depths of madness and senseless certainties. I dont know anything other than what I have been told, the sky is blue because I was told so, the world is round because i was meant to believe, and my heart was mine to give, I was just never told it wasnt mine to take back!

So why is it that we try so hard to find the one to which our heart beats in sync with but then work so hard to unsync it once we find it?? I wish I knew the answer to this, if I did Im sure I could cure cancer, see the future, and find that alluding bastard Waldo.

But my days are filled with irrational thoughts, disbelieveing sights, and unmentionable dreams. All cuminating around one thing.......................................... that there is HOPE!

I live in the shadow of a belief, sang the notes to a sonnet within my soul, heard the words of a whisper that swam in my heart. I know not what makes it beat, know not what makes me smile, all I know is I am, an thats all I know.

What does that mean ................................... I dont know but I am working that out

Well the days go by and the dim views start to dawn with a new light. What was cloudy and dark becomes strangely bright and tangible. I guess the thoughts and dreams one has and sees may or may not be what he or she acually wants or needs. But a manifesation of ones own bizzare insanity that has found a voice to call out from the dark with.

I ask these questions and await an answer but dont seem to get the one I want so I ignore it or pretend I didnt hear it. But if thats the case why do I not pretend to get the one that I am really wanting?? This would make sense to the insane natural to which I have gotten accustomed to, or maybe Im not insane at all, LOL. Maybe I am a sane person in an insane situation and just trying to make sense of it all. Then again there is the opposite of that same comment, I could be the insane one in a sane situation......................................hummmm these are just the dam nonsense thoughts that can drive one to become insane from the get go!!!!!!!

As I sit and roll through a day of culminating thoughts, lingering memories, unanswered questions, and unexplainable emotions. I begin to fall endlessly back into myself looking, searching, demanding an answer. Screaming in silence at the utter bleak cold that answers back.

Where do we go to find these answers? Where do we look to see the truth of it all and our role in it? Some say look within...................................... but when you come face to face with an empty shell starring back at you from the mirror of your soul, you will find no answer there. Some say look to God and his wisdom............................... but what if your faith is weakening and God doesnt answer?? Some say everything happens for a reason.......................... really, please explain because if theres a reason it escapes my attention. How many of these BS, emotionally handicapped, mentally stunted, explanations are there out there that acually make one bit of rational sense??

Well with all that said I am going back to an afternoon of relentless disillusion, followed by a night of shameless consuption of some wildly concocted dreams.

May 15th, 2009

Today................................ well sad but true I decided to give blogging a try. Why you may ask, well I knew someone that did it and felt maybe it was a good way to get out how I am feeling.

What makes us do some of the things that we do??? Why do we take something so precious and want to hide it from the rest of the world?? What makes us rage with insecurities and fear??? These are the questions I have found myself toiling over lately. Ok I can feel the confused looks and insightful expressions on the many faces out there.

I very recently parted with who I considered my soulmate, now saying that is not something I would do so lightly. I have loved an been loved, lost love and found it again. But this time it was different I felt like sand after being struck by lightning. Changed and transformed on every level, never again to be the same as I had begun.

But with finding something so rare and blessed we tend to let the beast within ourselves rage. The beast i speak of is one of jealousy and insecurities, one that both loves an hates at the same time. Loves because its found a state of utter bliss, but hates because it knows of the predators that await outside the walls, where it cant keep its treasure safe. This beast is not bad, but it comes off as such because it has found its.......................... well lets call it its "reason"!

What is a reason, well a reason is something within you that you awake with. There is something that stirs you from your dreams, pulls u forth from that careless void and urges you back to reality. Gives you the desire to breathe in and out, open your eyes, this is your "reason" its something to live for!

Well I had my "reason", my answer to my prayers, my everything, my purpose in life, whichever cliche you would like to use. I also had control of the beast, he lay chained an confined to the depths within my essence. But as I grew more fond of my "reason" I could feel the beast awaken anytime there seemed to be a threat about. For a long time I kept him at bay with false promises, empty threats, and unnatural blends of forbidden drink. He seemed sated and would crawl back into his cave and wait,........................ wait for me to lose the upper hand.

Now i dont know when I lost it, how I lost it, or where I lost it, but I will tell you the beast was there to claim it!!! I found myself a lone spectator watching within, not knowing how to fix things. I had no way of pulling the chains and getting back control of that with which I had let loose. I could only lay in wait hoping I could somehow fix the damage being done. But how do you fix words laced with anger, how do you fix thoughts oozing of jealousy, how do you fix love??? How do you take something so pure and simple and make it so complicated and difficult??

Is there a truth to love conquers all, or is that just the ramblings of a hopeful hermit that died awaiting such a boastful comment?