Mirrors .................... we face them and see what and who we are, an then have to ask if you can accept that which we see. When the heart yearns for someone and knows, that to this heart, this is the end of a long road of searching, looking, and waiting. But to your head the part that dont know how to accept that it has happened, what then. Are you the one, the one looking in the mirror, are you the best its ever going to get for her? It pains you to think no, but pains you more to think of a life without her, without her love, without her touch, without her near. But is that selfish and uncaring to not let her go on, when all you have caused is pain and hurt? How do you forgive yourself and say, "its ok for me too be happy too!!" ?

I guess that I dont know that I am the best that it will ever get and can only hope that I am, but then I feel I am wrong in holding her from something that may be ........well, more than I can give.

William shakespear wrote "So dear I love her that with her ,All deaths I could endure.Without her, live no life"
this is all I can say that comes close to how I feel but within those words ring certain truths, that I love her because I simply cannot help it.

I dont know what it is bout this girl that makes this boys heart beat so hard, take my breath away, and fill my stomach with the soft beatings of butterflies wings. But I do know that when shes near my eyes drink of her, my heart yearns for her, and my soul soars. I dont know what to say about this short time I held her close and kissed her softy on the lips.

Alexandrea said to Nicholas III "I love you, those three words have my life in them." Never understood, but as those three words were uttered from my lips last night I felt exactly what she meant. I could feel everything I am an ever will be within those simple three words.

"I love you angel, now, always, an forever!"

I was reading a friends comment today and it made me think "Is love blind?" does love not look toward the future and its implications?? Does it jump in carelessly and hope the water is deep enough? Well her comment which I read made alot of sense and here it is

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."

I enjoyed this small but inciteful quip an made me think, I would have to agree that "Love" at least true love is among the purest of feelings. It is a total giving up of being one person and becoming one out of two. I would say a joining of souls, but this would be wrong because true love can only come from one soul that has been incomplete and searching for that which would complete it. So if you do find that feeling of being complete, true love, or just the feeling of being home. Hold on to it, forever if need be, and know that you were lucky enough to at least know that it does exsist, even if you only felt it for a short time.

Two songs that seem to talk to me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5mmtDfd0uY&feature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-8ez6dGao8 enjoy

Theres a moment that we just know an cant explain its reasoning, nor do we want too we just know. We know we arent alone, we never were, we simply had not come home. Where is home, is it a physical place where you walk through a picket fence and hang your hat upon the rack as you walk in the door? I dont see it as such, to me its a feeling of being complete and happy. Some search for it, some find it, some die trying, an theres those that even trick themselves into believeing they had it. You can find it in a smile, in a whisper, in a kiss, but in the end theres no place like home.

Seeing the stars shine as I stare off into the black sky and envision what it is I feel............ lost, alone, loved, hated, or does it matter at all. I dream with a heavy heart that believes in this unending battle it doesnt want to let go of or call a truce too. Does hate even have a reason and if so what is it, I cant find it Ive searched and dont want nor do I desire the feeling. I think love was hard to find and even a harder one to forget, but its beautiful in its purity. Just some random thoughts I have while out in the world losing myself to my feelings, my desires, and my thoughts. Next time you look into the sky take a sec and wonder whos starring up at it and thinking of you too. We truely never are alone.

No matter how many times Ive heard it nothing hurts as much as this does http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueZz1X--fG4 I dont think there will be any other love that really keeps me so confused, hurt, blind, and pained an yet at the same time make my heart race, my pulse quicken, and my eyes light up.

P.S. I love you

Wow the lengthes we go too hurt the ones we supposedly loved at one point astonishes me. I ask you the ones out there that read this now, if you loved someone even at one point what would possess you to want to make them hurt if they have hurt you?? I guess I ask cause I dont understand, I am not out to hurt anyone if its done then I leave the person alone to move on and try and forget them. No matter the fact that they may fill my every thought or infiltrate my very dreams. I still let them go on and hope for them the very best and that they are happy and smiling. But then there are those that chose to try and hurt more, why you may ask, well thats a good question. You may hurt me more an more and if it makes you feel good to hurt and make me pain for your enjoyment then I only pity you. I pity you that you dont know love nor did you ever and the life you chose to live is an empty one.

An it was a woman I know that told me once that the best way to forget was to stay numb and too stay numb she drank you know what, she was right. So if I am getting my drink on its because I know not any other way to stay numb.

You can be mean and vindictive but whatever it is you are trying to fill to make you feel better wont be filled, it will never go away, love is about forgiveness, love is about letting someone go even if you dont want too an wishing them all the good in the world, love is about smiling for the one you love when they find another even though it may be through tear filled eyes. I love you an thats all I have to say about that.

Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel has always been just a phrase, a thought, or a quip if you will. Never have I been in a dark tunnel falling like Alice into a drab world filled with smiling cats, stoned worms, or vindictive drama queens, only to see a light coming toward me like a savior.

Is there a light out there waiting for us to just reach out and grab hold, or is it all nonsense. Are we destined to tumble head over heels down the hole only to land in a dark lonely abyss? I have come to believe that there is a light but this light is not seen rather it is felt.

Too dance among the stars and walk along the side of something amazing is truely an enlighting thing. Being able to dream again instead of wandering along within a bleak darkness has ways of bringing with it a sense of healing. Smiles are too often overlooked an unappreciated yet when you allow yourself to truely see a persons smile, you can almost feel the warmth that emulates from within. Dont look into someones eyes and not allow yourself to swim to their very depths and see them for their true inner beauty, not whats on the outside. If you do then you go through life numb, unfeeling, an empty, but let it in and your heart will race.

Tis a far better thing that I see and know than to play the fool and stay blind. The truth to which I see is a beautiful sight shadowed only by the affection and bliss that it brings. There are those that come into our lives and they leave a fading image, others leave a lasting impression and then there are those that change the very way our hearts beat. I have come to see that every once in a while even in an ordinary life one can find themselves living within a fairytale. Love is about open arms if you try to close your arms to love you will only be left holding yourself.

I guess I dont know why you bother, does it make you feel better that I am hurting, does it even matter at all?? You have moved on and whether I do or not shouldnt matter. You have your friends, you have your family, you have your boys, and you have POF.

I guess I just dont understand and never will, why you even care how Im feeling. If it mattered to you and you cared then we would be together working it out and trying. Instead we just want to text mean things, email sweet messages, and for some reason dwell on questions like "Is he or she thinking of me?" well do we really want to know? Does it make anything better, does me hurting make you feel better, does my pain make you smile, well you shouldnt need to ask if I think of you, cause the answer will be forever and always YES.

I dont know, you may have loved me or you maybe you never did. But if it makes you feel better to know I love you and miss you then I wont hide that from you. I have said it to anyone that has asked and will always say it but doesnt mean I like hurting for you. See if theres a true love for someone you want only the best for them no matter what has happened. I dont wish you ill, I dont want you to hurt, an I want you only to be happy. I want you to know love and happiness just wish I would have been able to be the one to show you. I am human and will make mistakes but the one thing in my life that wasnt a mistake was marrying you, my mistake there was not giving myself completely to you.

If what you need to hear and want to hear is that i dont spend a single night not thinking of you ...................you have it, I do!

If what you want and need to hear is that I hurt daily wanting you in my arms....................you have that too.

If you need to know that I know I screwed up and that I get it........................I know.

An if you want to know if I regret losing the woman I love.................... then you have all that you need, cause I do!

You think I am not hurting, well if you could see my eyes you would not say that. You think I dont love you, but if you could feel my heart you would know different. You think I am not in pain but if you saw the floor covered with tears for you, you may have a better idea as to how I feel. I may go on but its not cause I want to, I may learn to love again but its not without having to learn to love with a broken heart. A broken heart that still loves you just now I do so with all the tiny pieces that still remain.

You "think" alot about how I feel, if Im in pain, if Im thinking of you or how badly Im hurting, yes you "think" you know. Instead "listen" to how I feel, when I say i am hurting its because I HURT, when I say I dream of you its because I AM, an when I say I love you its because I DO!!!!

I have walked among the ones that live to love, the ones that love to live and the ones that fear both. Only to see that which is neither and all. I have died, lived, loved, an pained but all had its reasons whether known or not. Never let the twilight that falls upon the heart, dim the rays of true loves dawn.

You know what I am tired...................so dam tired of letting my pride decide whats ok and what isnt. What I can say and what i shouldnt, what I can do and what I cant. Its time to let go and just say what it is that is tormenting me.

I love you HEATHER, I love you, I know I neither loved you like you wanted nor deserved but I love you none the less. You are the air that I need to wake to in the morning, you are my reason for getting out of bed, the very thing that makes my heart beat and my soul soar.

I am saying this without any riddled messages, any fancy slang, gibberish or fluff to give you any reason that it doesnt mean exactly what it says.

I dont know a whole lot bout being a good husband, God knows Ive failed at that, Im not the best provider, or friend, but I do know that when im with you I am a better person. What does that mean an why is it that every second without you is an eternity of utter pain???? I dont know and I know I have looked for the answers an all i can say is Im sorry!! Im sorry for failing you, hurting you, not letting you in, not loving you with all that I am, and not being there for you. I know i messed up and if I could I would spend my entire life making it right. I am not gunna dwell on the past, thats a waste of time and again Im sorry for doing so. You deserve much MUCH better than that and I so wanted to be the man to give it to you.

So there it is in black and white, laid out in front of me with open arms, tears falling, and heart exposed. No doubts, no blame, no buts, just a dumb boy that loves a girl.

A long road traveled and lived within a waking dream, surrounded by a starless sky, and encased in upon itself. This is where I walk, where I bide my time, and ponder my ways. Pushing each day to make a change and finding it rather easy and rewarding. New wonders reveal their splendor, new faces fill my thoughts, dreams become reality, and reality is lost to a dream. Here in this blissful stupor I find a rather inviting genius that neither cares nor wonders, but just "IS"

I think it was Bellas dad that said it best ........................

An the insanity continues, but within the whirlwind of fury there is a lack of understanding an love. I have been gone for a while trying to forgive the past, look forward to the future, and be in the present. Only to find myself precariously doing none of that at all. I hated that I could not forgive for something I too had done, I was baffled that I could not see through the fog an see what lie ahead, and I was ashamed that I couldnt grasp for the now and hold on.

In the midst of trying to think of what I did and how wrong I was I did see that at least I wasnt alone. At least I can say most people make these mistakes. We all make mistakes some big some not so much, so am I to believe I am such a horrible person. The answer is yes, cause I love her and that is not how you treat someone you love and for that I will forever regret.

See I made a big mistake, I couldnt let someone in and release my past, all because I was unwilling to let go of my fears, anger, and stupidity. I was waiting for something bad to happen, for the nightmare to come alive and engulf my world and put me back to the place I had escaped. So I had an out, a pass, an escape, but with this comes a total failure of giving into love and hope. I do see the errors I have made and hope that one day I can tell the one I hurt I am sorry. I know I have screwed up bad, but the intentions were never to do so, my love for her may be soiled but it is true and forever.

Ending this I can only add that I hate being human we are prone to mistakes, forgiving them is harder than thought and forgetting them is rarely done. But please, if you do read this just know everything that I did to hurt you was not out of spite or hatred only stupidity and fear, an for that I am sorry. Most of all I regret not letting you in an accepting your love as I should, I am ashamed, hurt, and stupid but then again I am human an on top of that a man, would you expect anything more.

But I am just that an not much more, a hurt lost boy that sees an angel and loves her for all that she is